Toxic Positivity In The Workplace: The Glass Half Full Sometimes Leaves Employees Half Empty
Do you consider yourself a glass-half-full or a glass-half-empty kind of person?
Personally, I love positive people, and I’m always trying to hire people who are upbeat, engaging, and see solutions rather than issues. At the same time, I can appreciate a realist’s perspective. And I think we can all be a little cynical on bad days.
I’ve been thinking about positivity today and considering how, at least in the US, we tend to lean towards positivity. We all know how discouraging it can feel to spend time with a “Debbie Downer”, but I’ve been wondering if there are drawbacks to being too positive.
As leaders, how does this impact the engagement of individuals on our team, the happiness of our employees, and the results we get? Do we sometimes rush people to a solution in a one-on-one? Do we avoid things that are unpleasant or negative? Can it erode our interpersonal connections?
Anything taken to extremes can create problems. So today, we’re talking about toxic positivity, how it shows up in the workplace, the issues it causes, and what we can do about it.
What Is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is “the pressure to only display positive emotions, suppressing any negative emotions, feelings, reactions, or experiences.” (BetterUp) It’s a form of gaslighting because it denies any version of reality, which includes negative emotions, experiences, or situations.
Another definition described it as “An unwavering devotion to optimism that can minimize or disregard others’ emotional pain?” (US News & World Report)
-Science
of People-
68% of respondents said they’d experienced toxic positivity in the previous weeks.
Why Do We Take Positivity Too Far?
Toxic positivity is a relatively new term coined in 2011. Although we’ve been aware of and talking about it since the 80s, it’s gaining popularity in our everyday conversations.
While everyone brings their own personal histories, we can’t ignore the fact that toxic positivity is reinforced by society, from internet memes to self-help books. The whole “just think positive” trope is pervasive. When we consider that, it isn’t surprising that we take these messages to heart or see it as the best approach. After all, how often do we see a balanced approach modeled for us?
One of the key ways to address toxic positivity is empathy. We can and should extend that empathy to the person who has chosen this coping strategy.
How Does Toxic Positivity Impact Our Workplace
I worked with a leader, let’s call her E, who was always cheerful and positive. Each time I talked to her as part of our leadership development program, she was upbeat. As the head of customer service, she was kind, thoughtful and seemed like she really supported her friends, parents, and spouse.
As a leader, her approach had many positives. It was fun to go to her meetings, she gave great positive feedback, and she remembered the special people in her co-workers' lives, including the names of their friends, pets, and kids.
However, it was not always sunny for her team. One drawback to her brand of positive cheerfulness was that when folks on her team had issues, given she had walked that road before (having been promoted from within), she didn’t always respond in a way that promoted connection.
Feeling Unheard
At some point, we all slip into this sort of thinking. Given that she’d been there and literally done most of her team’s jobs, she felt it was bearable. She had a few inner stories of, “That’s the way it is”, “That’s part of the job”, and “That’s what they signed up for”.
And, to be fair, given the role, the market conditions, the pandemic, and product changes, sometimes it really was just how things were. However, her response left people feeling unheard.
Lack Of Transparency
E had done her fair share of advocating for change with the CEO and the rest of the executive team. However, those conversations stayed behind closed doors. She didn’t share those conversations with her team. This lack of transparency left her team members, particularly the leaders at the next level down, feeling unsupported.
Suppression Of Negative Feelings
In E’s mind, her team members had a choice. They could choose how to feel or respond. Given that belief, people with issues weren’t always met with empathy and didn’t always get the time and attention they might have needed. This affected morale and had two other unintended consequences.
It can trigger feelings of shame and isolation in team members who feel like they’re the only ones experiencing negative emotions or are willing to bring up negative situations. It increases stress and makes them question their experiences, “Maybe it’s not as bad as it seems”, “Maybe I’m overreacting”, or “Maybe I need to toughen up”.
It encourages employees to suppress negative feelings.
Unintended Consequence #1
Because team members didn’t feel supported or heard, they came to E less often and started going around her. She heard less about important issues and could not be as effective at helping her team remove obstacles, particularly when it had to do with cross-functional initiatives.
Toxic positivity creates a culture of avoidance. If it isn’t safe to raise concerns or bring up problems, then people learn to ignore them or use band-aid solutions rather than collaborating to find creative and permanent solutions.
As my client found out, it also impacts communication because when we anticipate a dismissive response such as “That’s the way it is” or “Focus on the silver lining”, we stop bringing up our concerns. And the hard but necessary conversations that can lead to positive change are left unsaid.
Unintended Consequence #2
Because E focused so much on the positive, she refrained from giving constructive feedback. Or, the feedback she did give was couched in so many compliments that the receiver felt like they were doing a great job.
And because of her commitment to stay positive, she was more drawn to the members of her team who leaned into positivity too. This created a situation where people felt left out. Also, when you have a group of entirely positive people, blindspots develop. The reality of the situation wasn’t always considered or, worse, swept under the rug.
How We Coached Our Way Through It
As E and I continued coaching, I learned more about her background. Questions around her childhood, early adulthood, beginnings of her career, and transition into leadership continually supported her belief that this was the way to be.
We all hold beliefs that shape how we lead, conscious or not. One of the best things about coaching is that it gives you a safe space to get curious about those beliefs.
As we coached, I asked questions about what might be possible. Could there not be other approaches? If so, what value could they hold? We began to look at how her beliefs led to her thoughts, which led to her behavior.
We unpacked it. Which sounds quick and easy when I type it out, but this can be challenging work. Our beliefs are often just there, in the background, and that can make them hard to see.
Making Changes
E got to a place where she wanted to change. She began taking on homework, trying new actions, reacting, and acting in different ways. She found it hard, really hard.
E was able to share her journey with a few trusted work friends, and they encouraged her. She was listening more and being supportive in a more balanced way, and the team responded right away.
As team members felt more seen and heard she was able to encourage them to bring solutions with their problems. It was a meeting in the middle that was great for both parties and even served to develop and empower her team in the process.
“People who tend not to judge their feelings, not think about their emotions as good or bad, not try to avoid or put distance between themselves and their emotions, these people tend to have better mental health across the board.”
Brett Ford
assistant professor of psychology at the University of Toronto
Week by week, we celebrated her wins and rewarded each small step. As E experienced success, she was willing to try things even more outside of her comfort zone, whether it was convening a task force, sharing openly about the burdens on her team at executive meetings, or admonishing a client who had treated one of her team members poorly.
As she stepped into more balance, E’s outward positivity still shone through, now tempered and balanced, which allowed a new gravitas to emerge.
The results?
Her peers took her more seriously, she inspired true respect amongst her team members, and she was able to introduce more processes that supported her team while positively impacting the bottom line.
If You Recognize Yourself In E’s Story…
Lead With Empathy
When we shut down negativity with talk of silver linings, it can feel dismissive and invalidating. The good news is that empathy is a skill, and it’s something we can learn and improve upon.
It’s important to listen to the concerns or problems that are brought to you and take them seriously. Validate how the other person is feeling by acknowledging that it’s challenging, frustrating, or hard. We can validate someone else’s feelings even when they are different from our own.
Prioritize Well-Being
When we feel like our feelings and concerns are brushed aside it can erode trust, creativity, and productivity.
Normalize the fact that sometimes it’s okay not to be okay, especially if a team member has shared a personal struggle. And recognize that feelings are not mutually exclusive. We can feel frustrated with the situation and hopeful we’ll find a solution at the same time.
In fact, sometimes acknowledging our frustration deflates it enough that we can see a solution (rather than compounding it because now we also don’t feel heard).
Increase Transparency
The more honest we can be about why things “are the way they are”, the more team members will feel supported. If we’re willing to have the difficult conversations and acknowledge their point of view while also explaining our own, then we keep the lines of communication open and perhaps even collaborate on making changes where possible.
Prioritize Problem Solving
When we dismiss anything negative and react to concerns with “Everything’s fine”, we can create a culture of problem-squashing rather than problem-solving. The mentality becomes “anything to make it go away” or ignore it altogether.
When we encourage collaborative, creative problem-solving we create a sense of “we can handle this”, which is actually a really positive place to be.
Improve Communication Skills
Sometimes these maxims slip out of our mouths as a force of habit. It can be helpful to create a few new go-to phrases to help you break the habit. For example...
INSTEAD OF... | TRY... |
|---|---|
There's no reason you can't do that. | Let me know if I can support you. |
I don't see the problem. | That sounds like a lot to deal with. |
This should be easy for you. | It's okay to have an off day or ask for help. |
That's the way it is. | Hmm, do you see a way we could do this more effectively? |
It could be worse. | That sounds hard, is there a way I can support you? |
There’s always a silver lining, you just have to look for it. | Thank you for sharing this with me. I can see why that would be upsetting. It’s okay not to be okay. |
It’ll all work out in the end. | Wow, that must be tough. Let’s talk about how we can get through this in the best possible way. |
Try harder, you’ll get there. | What would you need to get that done? OR Is there another goal that’s more achievable/ helpful? |
Embrace Your Own Emotions
Often when we tend to push away negative emotions in others, it’s also something we do to ourselves. Instead of acknowledging our own hurt, frustration, or upset, we keep our chins up and focus on the positives. As we learn to acknowledge and empathize with others’ emotions, it’s important to extend that empathy to ourselves as well.
If You Notice Toxic Positivity At Work…
Model Empathy
If you hear someone dismissing a concern or ignoring someone’s feelings with one of the phrases listed above (or something like it), you can model empathy by saying, “Yes, and…” then offer an alternative that validates their feelings and acknowledges the issue.
It’s a great way to call out toxic positivity without making anyone feel defensive.
Normalize Not Being Okay
We all go through hard times and encounter challenges that feel daunting. It’s okay not to feel upbeat and optimistic all the time. If you feel safe to do so, be open and vulnerable. Recognize when it feels hard, ask for help when you need it, and remain hopeful that things won’t always be this way.
Speak Up
Don’t ignore issues or side-step challenges. Keep speaking up. Try offering solutions when you present your concerns, and if you don’t see a solution ask a trusted colleague to brainstorm with you. It can be hard to be “the voice of reason” when everyone is focused solely on staying positive, so give yourself a break and, if necessary, raise your concerns with someone who will hear you.
We receive messages to “just stay positive” through social media and peers. At the same time, we often aren’t shown how to handle uncomfortable negative emotions. So it isn’t surprising that so many people default to positivity.
However, this approach can have a negative impact on teams. It can erode trust and interpersonal connections between team members, lead to a culture of avoidance, and stifle creativity, communication, collaboration, and productivity. We avoid the hard conversations that can lead to positive changes.
When we learn a more balanced approach, we can embrace empathy by validating emotions, practicing active listening, and acknowledging problems. We can promote problem-solving, increase transparency, prioritize well-being, and communicate with compassion so that our team members feel seen and heard. And we can do it all without losing our optimism.
