Giving feedback in a way that doesn’t lead to bruised egos and defensiveness is an important skill for all leaders (just as it's vital to remain open-minded when on the receiving end of feedback).
When feedback conversations are executed well, they can lead to personal growth, behavioral change, and even mitigate organizational risk.
Let's look at an example as several of the executives I work with have experienced issues around feedback lately:
For Example:
J is a very senior exec. He has several hundred people reporting to him in his organization and has been a key partner to the CEO. Recently, that long-time CEO retired and a new CEO came on board. As J heard about some of the changes this new CEO had planned, he became concerned.
J felt these changes weren’t smart business moves and didn’t support employee engagement or culture. He wanted to share this feedback but felt somewhat apprehensive about sharing his concerns because he hadn’t yet developed a relationship with his new boss.
After a few interactions with the new CEO that gave him some data, J decided the retention risks were too high and a conversation was necessary. He was strategic and asked to have a call on a Friday afternoon, giving the boss time to digest what was said.
J did a few things right. He was thoughtful about timing and ensured it was a private conversation.
When I teach this topic, I often suggest asking if it’s a good time to share. One mistake I see people make is reaching out ahead of time and asking to meet in a few days' time. It’s preferable to ensure someone isn’t sitting for a long time because that gives them time to worry about the feedback to come.
Trust And Giving Feedback
Taking the time and effort to establish trusting relationships with the people we work with makes giving and receiving feedback so much easier.
When we don’t have current relationships of trust, it can be harder to assume good intentions.
In our example at the beginning of this blog post, J hit the jackpot; his boss listened, asked questions, and thanked him for his feedback. In fact, she said it was exactly what she was looking for from the rest of the team. J told me that while he knew it would take time, the conversation helped to build their relationship and hopefully averted a possible retention issue.
In fact, trust allows:
- folks feel comfortable sharing their thoughts honestly as it creates a safe environment. It’s important to feel like speaking up won’t have negative consequences.
- people to be transparent because we aren’t worried that our good intentions will be misconstrued. This can lead to higher-quality feedback that’s specific, actionable, and beneficial for personal and professional development.
- the recipient to be more receptive and less defensive when receiving feedback. It can actually strengthen relationships by demonstrating a commitment to mutual growth and improvement, lead to better teamwork and outcomes, encourage accountability, boost confidence, reduce fear of retaliation, and support a culture of self-assessment and development.
Try A Coaching Approach
Ideally, the goal of giving feedback is to learn more about where someone is coming from. It’s a two-way dialogue to learn and share. You may have gotten things confused, there could have been a misunderstanding, or someone could be going through a hard time that is affecting their ability to respond and show up for work.
We advise approaching these conversations with a spirit of curiosity and empathy.
Recently, a leader I really admire, T, mentioned that she suggested her boss have a supportive conversation with someone rather than “bringing down the hammer”. Her recommendation was to have a coaching conversation.
In other words, to ask how the person was, acknowledge all that was on their plate, and offer support. He could then share what he was seeing and ask for some behavioral change.
This approach would hopefully help the recipient of the feedback to open up about what was truly going on and make them more amenable to hearing the negative impact they were having on others in a way that they could use as a catalyst for growth.
From Blame To Accountability
I recently connected with a leader, S, about one of the women on her team. This team member was having trouble working collaboratively with a co-worker. When S approached her about the issue, the team member argued and got defensive. Ultimately, she even turned the blame back on S.
After S and I had some time to discuss, I asked her to tell me about this woman’s history on the team, her background and to consider if this woman was the hero of the story, what might be going on for her. This allowed S to go back and get curious.
She asked questions and expressed support - and the walls came down. The team member proactively took accountability, and they worked out a way to move forward together. That’s why it’s important to listen to all that is said and also consider what is left unsaid.
13 Considerations For How To Give Constructive Feedback
//1 Clarify Your Intentions
Why are you giving feedback? What do you hope to achieve? Are you trying to help the person improve, acknowledge their efforts, or address a specific issue? Clarifying your purpose may help guide your feedback.
//2 Consider Time and Place
Timing and context matter, as we saw with J and the conversation he had with the new CEO. A quiet, private place where you can have a focused conversation is important.
//3 Use 'I' Statements
I statements help us to avoid blaming or accusing the recipient and make them less likely to become defensive. Phrases such as, “I noticed that…” or “I felt that…” allow us to express our feelings and observations without sounding accusatory.
//4 Be Specific and Concrete
Vague feedback is hard to correct. Provide specific examples to illustrate your feedback. Concrete examples make it easier for the recipient to understand where they went wrong and take action to make changes.
//5 Focus on Behavior, not Personality
Concentrate on actions, behaviors, and outcomes rather than judgments about personality or character. This keeps the feedback more objective and avoids making it feel like a personal attack.
//6 Use Constructive Language
Highlight what the person is doing well and suggest areas for growth. Avoid overly negative or critical language.
//7 Be Balanced
Similarly, balance areas for improvement with positive feedback. Acknowledge their strengths and efforts first. A balanced approach can help recipients feel motivated to improve.
//8 Empathy and Respect
Acknowledge the recipient’s feelings and perspectives and avoid making them feel attacked. Use active listening skills to understand their point of view and approach the conversation with a spirit of curiosity.
//9 Encourage Self-Reflection
Ask open-ended questions like, “What are your thoughts after hearing this feedback?” or “How do you think you can improve in this area?” This creates a sense of ownership and self-directed improvement.
//10 Offer Support and Solutions
Allow the recipient to process your feedback and offer resources, training, or assistance to address specific issues.
//11 Provide a Path Forward
Discuss the recipient’s next steps and set clear expectations for the future. If necessary, create an action plan with specific goals and timelines for improvement.
//12 Summarize and Follow-Up
Review the key points of the feedback session and ensure that both of you have a shared understanding. Consider scheduling a follow-up meeting on progress and offering additional feedback as necessary.
//13 Be Open to Feedback
Why are you giving feedback? What do you hope to achieve? Are you trying to help the person improve, acknowledge their efforts, or address a specific issue? Clarifying your purpose may help guide your feedback.
Giving and receiving feedback is essential for both personal and professional growth. It begins by building trust with our co-workers and creating an environment where honesty, transparency, and accountability are valued. The skills we develop in learning to give and receive feedback can help us navigate relationships everywhere we go both at work and at home.
If you’d like to learn more about establishing trust with your team and delivering thoughtful, constructive feedback with empathy and a desire to understand, we invite you to check out our training options, whether it’s for a specific topic like giving feedback or as part of our leadership development program.
